Thursday, April 19, 2012

"Whatever you do, wear underwear."

Earlier this week, I assigned a quick write that required my students to write a letter of advice to their future dates - particularly advising them on how to survive meeting the family. They didn't hold back. 
Below are some of my favorite excerpts from their letters - just the tip of a very humorous, awkward iceberg. Enjoy!

Out of the Mouths of Babes

“My mom would want you to make right choices and not act like a hooligan. My dad would just like the fact that I got a date.”
“Whatever you do, wear underwear.”
“Don’t let other people tell you you’re not beautiful.”
“My parents aren’t going to let us sit on the loveseat.”

“My brother Chris will be pretty disgusting, so bring a gas mask in case we have beans.”
“You may deny it now, but as soon as I hit five foot, you won’t be able to resist me.”
 “If you break my heart, I’ll be out for blood. Good luck.”
“I hope that you exist. Few people get my jokes, but I hope you would if you exist.”
“Dear please – be – a – Hollister – model boyfriend,”
 “Before I begin, I just wanna let you know that my family is in fact normal. Some of us.”
“Future date, you go on the list along with unicorns and non-stick glitter. So yeah, you’re pretty rare.”
“If you hear us speak in Russian, it’s probably about you…or the food.”

“If, and that’s a very big IF, she lets me date at 16 or 17, she’ll insist on knowing A: Your life’s history, or B: Your entire future.”
“Watch out for flying knives.”
“Don’t share anything with my mother. If you do, she’ll use it against you.”
“My father will probably ask you if you know anything about guns. My grandfather will ask you if you have ever been threatened by a gun. Then tell you that you have just been threatened by a gun as he holds it out in front of you.”

“If my mom asks if I kissed you yet, say no. Or she won’t shut up.”
“My dog will try to protect me from you, but after she gets to know you, she will leave you alone.”
“Don’t get discouraged if my step dad yells at you. That’s just the way he talks.”
“My mom will have you brain dead by the time you leave. She might even give you a math sheet to complete. She might even give you a physical.”
“Your personal bubble will be invaded.”

“You will leave with some kind of animal hair on you.”
“Dear Beyonce, since you are rich, you are paying for dinner. So be ready to spend a lot of money because I like to eat a lot.”
“I want to take you on a fancy date, like to the movies.”
“You might see my mom dancing. She watches Ellen.”

“There might be kitty litter down the hallway. Watch your step.”
 “My mom will just probably stand there and look at you, and it will be weird.”
“I’m writing to make sure you understand the terms of agreement in our relationship. Usually, I just click, ‘I have read and agreed to these terms of agreement’, but you actually need to read these this time.”
“My dad…he already hates you, but we might can change that. If you don’t eat his deer sausage, he’ll be offended. Just do it.”

“Dear Snooki, We will have to escape to Cuba to get away from my dad. We will have to change our names to Chico and Maria. I will be Maria.”
“Meet me at Hooters!”
“If my dad sees a strange guy in the house, he will not hesitate to shoot.”
“If you feel a sharp sting, my brother just shot you with an airsoft gun. He will keep doing it, so grab his arm and twist it. If he says he’ll stop, twist a little more – then he might actually quit.”
             And to sum it all up....

 “You need to take into account that you will have the worst time of your life meeting my family.”

4 bonus points:

Sheila Marie said...

Ha! These are great! I don't remember my classmates being this clever in middle school, for sure! True story, Dale Humphrey has said many times that he'd never trust a boy I brought home that didn't eat deer sausage. Oh, Mississippi!

anastasia said...

These are great! I was reading through and wondering if we were that clever at that age.

Lydia said...

I love these. So. Much. :)

Beth said...

I am officially in love with this post. Love. Love. LOVE.

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