Tuesday, April 24, 2012

25 of the World's Thinnest Books

Today we were like hipsters. Thin and ironic. Perhaps I should explain further...

Currently, my kids are chest-deep in some pretty heavy narrative writing. The natives were getting restless, so today I decided to let them step away from their memoirs to play around. This "quick" write turned into a day of laughter, wit, and irony that we all greatly needed.

"A thin book is a book the author has no authority to write or that is an oxymoron. It's thin because there's nothing to put in it. Come up with 10 titles for books that would have to be thin."

Below are 25 of my favorites from the day. Enjoy!

How to Hit Puberty by Justin Bieber
How to be Social by Boo Radley

Rick Ross's Healthy Cookbook

Natural Beauty by K. Kardashian
Emergency Exits by the crew of the Titanic

Freeing Slaves 101 by Joseph Kony
How to Dress Casually by Lady Gaga
Loving People by Jaws
How to Teach Math by Ms. P
Taking Life Seriously by Buddy the Elf
How to Keep a Girl Safe by Chris Brown
World Peace by Al-Qaeda
10 Tips to Be Tan by Edward Cullen
A Happy Place by Satan
How to Keep a Shirt On by Taylor Lautner
A Guide to Crying by James Bond
How to Grow a Full Mustache by Hitler
Dressing to Please the Lord by Christina Aguilera
Get over your Break Up by Bella Swan

Drama-Free Household by the Kardashians
Intelligence by Mike (The Situation)
Days of the Week by Rebecca Black
What to do When There’s a Terrorist on your Plane by Osama bin Laden
The Bright Side of Life by E. A. Poe
How to Be a Responsible Mom by the cast of MTV’s 16 and Pregnant

Yours truly,
Ms. P

Bonus points? Contribute to our list of thin books in the comments section.

Thursday, April 19, 2012

"Whatever you do, wear underwear."

Earlier this week, I assigned a quick write that required my students to write a letter of advice to their future dates - particularly advising them on how to survive meeting the family. They didn't hold back. 
Below are some of my favorite excerpts from their letters - just the tip of a very humorous, awkward iceberg. Enjoy!

Out of the Mouths of Babes

“My mom would want you to make right choices and not act like a hooligan. My dad would just like the fact that I got a date.”
“Whatever you do, wear underwear.”
“Don’t let other people tell you you’re not beautiful.”
“My parents aren’t going to let us sit on the loveseat.”

“My brother Chris will be pretty disgusting, so bring a gas mask in case we have beans.”
“You may deny it now, but as soon as I hit five foot, you won’t be able to resist me.”
 “If you break my heart, I’ll be out for blood. Good luck.”
“I hope that you exist. Few people get my jokes, but I hope you would if you exist.”
“Dear please – be – a – Hollister – model boyfriend,”
 “Before I begin, I just wanna let you know that my family is in fact normal. Some of us.”
“Future date, you go on the list along with unicorns and non-stick glitter. So yeah, you’re pretty rare.”
“If you hear us speak in Russian, it’s probably about you…or the food.”

“If, and that’s a very big IF, she lets me date at 16 or 17, she’ll insist on knowing A: Your life’s history, or B: Your entire future.”
“Watch out for flying knives.”
“Don’t share anything with my mother. If you do, she’ll use it against you.”
“My father will probably ask you if you know anything about guns. My grandfather will ask you if you have ever been threatened by a gun. Then tell you that you have just been threatened by a gun as he holds it out in front of you.”

“If my mom asks if I kissed you yet, say no. Or she won’t shut up.”
“My dog will try to protect me from you, but after she gets to know you, she will leave you alone.”
“Don’t get discouraged if my step dad yells at you. That’s just the way he talks.”
“My mom will have you brain dead by the time you leave. She might even give you a math sheet to complete. She might even give you a physical.”
“Your personal bubble will be invaded.”

“You will leave with some kind of animal hair on you.”
“Dear Beyonce, since you are rich, you are paying for dinner. So be ready to spend a lot of money because I like to eat a lot.”
“I want to take you on a fancy date, like to the movies.”
“You might see my mom dancing. She watches Ellen.”

“There might be kitty litter down the hallway. Watch your step.”
 “My mom will just probably stand there and look at you, and it will be weird.”
“I’m writing to make sure you understand the terms of agreement in our relationship. Usually, I just click, ‘I have read and agreed to these terms of agreement’, but you actually need to read these this time.”
“My dad…he already hates you, but we might can change that. If you don’t eat his deer sausage, he’ll be offended. Just do it.”

“Dear Snooki, We will have to escape to Cuba to get away from my dad. We will have to change our names to Chico and Maria. I will be Maria.”
“Meet me at Hooters!”
“If my dad sees a strange guy in the house, he will not hesitate to shoot.”
“If you feel a sharp sting, my brother just shot you with an airsoft gun. He will keep doing it, so grab his arm and twist it. If he says he’ll stop, twist a little more – then he might actually quit.”
             And to sum it all up....

 “You need to take into account that you will have the worst time of your life meeting my family.”